Dry Spells
I’ve spent the last month in a dry spell. I keep telling myself it’s because March is just an unpredictable month but in fact, I think the pandemic has finally hit me mentally.
It’s really hard writing about sex all the time when you’re unable to have it. It’s even harder when you’re a sex writer struggling with sexual dysfunction.
I finally had some time to myself to explore my body after spinal cord damage, and the sex toy I was going to use died on me. The Doxy wand was my go-to sex toy, and a long time ago it felt so good that I could use it clothed and orgasm. But, even when I was getting something, it flatlined. The reason I liked the Doxy was that it had weight behind it as well as power. This combination really helped spark the nerve endings in my clitoris and help lead to an intense orgasm even when the signals from my genitals to my back, and all away up to my spine to the orgasm center were not fully working, it helped wake them up a little bit.
When you have a spinal cord injury, things like sexual pleasure really are a use-it-or-lose-it type of game. For months you have the possibility of things healing, but many find that they have to push themselves regularly to try and remind the body that these areas of the body are there and they are sexually pleasurable. So, even if you can’t orgasm or even feel anything, you have to try no matter how frustrating it can be.
I’ve held back screams and muffed them with my pillow as I just can’t seem to reach it at times. Sometimes I feel so close and even with all the tools, I have from my training I can’t push through to the big O.
Mindfulness, meditation, masturbation.
The 3 M’s that many practitioners swear by.
But this isn’t a quick fix and on average if things are going to heal it will happen in the first 18 months post-injury. Due to the pandemic, I was diagnosed a bit too late, so chances are even slimmer.
Things I’ve learned from my spinal cord injury is that the body is amazing at rewiring. Other areas of my body have become extremely turned-on. Sometimes painfully and other times pleasurably. Someone lightly brushing my back almost feels as intense as clitoral stimulation use to feel like.
I’ve also learned more about myself emotionally and what I want relationship-wise post-pandemic.
Although trying to deal with the pandemic, single parenthood, and chronic illness has already meant I’ve tried to sabotage some potential relationship. I feel emotionally I’m going through things I haven’t felt since I was a confused teenager. My emotions keep bouncing as I come to terms with things. The funny thing is, doctors told me this would happen to my spine by the time I was 30, and I’m now 32. Did that extra year I had on my orgasm clock make me think maybe I’d escaped it? Did I think “Oh, I’m past 30, so now I don’t need to worry?”. I feel I conned myself into thinking it was ok, for just one year, after 5 before I spent every day trying to prevent it from processing from physio, healthy eating, stopping bad habits. Even though none of these things would stop it really I still tried. And I became so tired of trying.
On top of the spine, I have other health things going on, and one of those is preventing me from getting vaccinated. First thought when I heard that I may not be able to have any vaccine, not just covid, was that I won’t be able to attend as many sex-related parties. I’m a woman who can’t currently orgasm, and I still want to go to sex parties. Hopefully, I will find out more soon and the doctors will go “Actually it’s ok, go get jabbed”.
Life really does have some interesting turns in it. From sex toy reviewer to physically unable to orgasm.