Do Relationships Fail?
When relationships end it can be easy to feel emotions of failure and here's why.
If you’ve experienced an end to a relationship you’ve probably heard someone respond with a statement similar to this: “I’m sorry your relationship failed.”
Rather than being empathic which the individual needs, this phrasing is loaded with judgment and negativity.
After someone dives into the failed comments, they often then start stating things like, “You’ll do better with the next one.”, “I know you tried hard but it failed in the end.”. It can be a mixture of thoughts being pushed onto you, from you didn’t try hard enough, but next time you must try harder because if you don’t you will fail again in the future. And the circle begins, where all relationship endings, the blame is put onto one person rather than all involved that led to it to end.
Generally, relationships don’t fail, rather something very complex can go within them. When a relationship ends there can be many reasons for that, and sometimes it’s even for positive reasons. A relationship ending shouldn’t always be judged as a failure but in many cases a success or a moment to start growing in other areas of life once again.
Stating that someone failed in a relationship can also imply that it’s an individuals fault. If someone has left a relationship due to it being toxic this can feel like victim-blaming, suggesting that they should’ve tried to stay and make it work even amongst the forms of toxicity they may be experiencing. The fear of failure and being seen as a failure due to relationship standards and expectations placed on individuals can be one reason why some individuals stay within negative relationships for so long. Peer pressure can fuel abusive relationships to continue at times, based on a fake-fairy-tale hope.
A lot of the time when a relationship has failed, it has failed the external tick boxes and check-lists that others have placed upon it. It’s failed the milestone quiz many of us are set early on in life, where we pass each section of life such as romance, engagement, move in together, marriage, baby, to death do us part.
It’s not the relationship that’s failed, but rather it ended and that means it doesn’t fit with societies standardisation. And when things end suddenly and move away from standardised beliefs, just like any standardised test, it comes with a great big fucking “F” branding failure.
Here’s the thing, relationships aren’t standardised, and everyone is different and has its own internal structures and rules the outside world will never fully understand. When forming a relationship, you’re bringing in your own internal belief system, and joining it with another’s an internal belief system. Because we all have a different way of seeing the world, these joint belief systems will never fully fit societies standardisations and expectations.
When a relationship ends, the least helpful thing to do is remind that individual of failure. Even if a relationship ended due to positive reasons, there may be some grieving the individual needs to process due to the loss of routine and habits formed within the joint world they shared. Adding the emotions in failure if anything slows down these stages individuals need to go through to work through to a more positive world once again.
So when a relationship ends and someone uses the word “Failed”, know that it isn’t the relationship that failed. Rather societies standardisation of relationships that have failed, by not letting you go through these motions and processes smoothly without judgement.
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